The Civil War of Desire
There is something to be said about doing all the "right" things and not getting the outcome we desire. There is a civil war we have with the desire within us: the beauty we want it to bring forth and the unattainability it flaunts simultaneously.
We so want to “make it happen” and in the intensity and pressure, we forget that God is using our anxious hands to cast seed and leaky buckets to water the path so the next person can walk in it with more joy and clarity.
Lauren Winner, who penned a chapter about Sarah Patton Boyle (the full read is sitting in my Amazon cart) offered this thought and it has been entrenched in my mind for days:
“When you read someone who bears witness, what’s important is not that the writer you’re reading accomplished something, but that her witness gives you clarity about what’s really going on.”
As
went on to say in a recent post, “Witness and example is not about results; they are about truth-telling and providing others with the kind of truth that summons someone else to hop on that same path.”Yet, we are indoctrinated to produce results in lieu of simply going “the way.” I’m reminded of a recent visit my husband and I took to Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art to view the Exquisite Creatures exhibition by artist and naturist Christopher Marley. Throughout the exhibition, Christopher reflects on humanity’s intimate relationship with nature, revealing its intricate beauty and diversity through three-dimensional works comprised of animal, mineral, and plant specimens arranged in precise, geometric compositions.
It was truly captivating, especially as the properties of light were introduced to the artistry. In one of his exhibits, he showcased precious gems from Tanzania, South Africa, and India. Through it, he made a captivating observation:
Among nature’s jewels, diamonds are generally considered to be the most desirable on earth. While they do have limited industrial uses, diamonds are dramatically less essential to humanity than scores of other materials and organisms. Gem-quality diamonds are certainly beautiful, but in this exhibit, you will see thousands of organism and minerals that are at least as visually captivating. There is an important lesson here: we prize diamonds primarily because others do — and perhaps this is a tendency we should reconsider.
We live in an economy that prizes results and performance. I drink from that cup each day in the tech start-up world. Even in our own churches we are malformed by the narrative of being “used” by God. The essence of what Christopher Marley was communicating is that there are other paths of beauty that make us feel wonder, amazement, joy, and intrigue. Paths which may not be seen as valuable to others, but turn out to be absolutely stunning.
Yet, as we travel that rugged road, we clash with desire — desires which are malformed, have gone mad, and are destructive. And, desires which we absolutely need to help us birth and cultivate oncoming beauty. As we navigate that civil war — with others — we learn to listen, discern, and discover how alone we never were.